I WAS THE SHAM SHAMAN AT 'HARRY POTTER'S CIRCUS OF COUTURE'! WELL, I ALWAYS SAY 'IF YOU HAVE IT, FLAUNT IT, IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT, STUFF TISSUES INTO YOUR BRA OR WRAP BANDAGES AROUND YOUR DICK'.
THE BIGGER THE BETTERER! THE BIGGEST IS THE BESTEST, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO BANK ACCOUNTS.
SO I DONNED A CLOAK, WORE A HALF MASK, PUT ON MY MAGIC RINGS AND READ THE FUTURE OF MY CUSTOMERS. MIND YOU, NONE OF THEM REMEMBERED OR BOTHERED TO TIP ME! AND THEY EXPECTED A GOOD LIFE AFTER THIS!
My shoes painted with my face was my giveaway to those sharp enough to notice but none did ass they were too engrossed with my predilection for predictions!
Kee Hua Chee the sham shaman, Dato Nancy Yeoh the Witch, Roland Folger as Professor Snapes and Bill Keith as Willy Wonka?
The Sham Shaman and his Wicked Witch of the East
The Sham Shaman with Fara and Soraya
The Sham Shaman and his delectable advocates of witchery
Bubble bubble, toil and trouble...
The Sham Shaman with the devil's cards that told only your deepest fears
What a prick the Sham Shaman was
The Conniving Clairvoyant with his victim whose smile was soon to be wiped out by his dire predictions
Even a powerful warlock needed to pick his nose now and then
BEFORE: Getting ready on the second floor of Carlsberg brewery in Shah Alam
AFTER the mask and cloak were put on
All ready to frighten the wits out of anyone
Practising my one-eye-big one-eye-small routine
Both eyes same sized now
Can you believe this Professor Snapes lookalike was actually Roland Folger, president and CEO of Mercedes-Benz Malaysia?
Who says the Germans have no sense of tumour, oops, I mean humour?
The Young and the Experienced
Julius the finalist in Stylo Model Search with his Big Boss the head honcho of Mercedes-Benz Malaysia Roland Folger
Professor Snapes and the Wicked Witch of KL
aka Roland Folger and Dato Nancy Yeoh
Fara, Kee Hua Chee, Mohsein and Soraya
None noticed my portraits painted on my shoes to give me power to see the future
My favourite pix! No facial expressions required!
'HARRY POTTER'S CIRCUS OF COUTURE' WAS A PARTY ONLY THE GREATEST WIZARDS, WITCHES, WARLOCKS AND WANTON WANTAN WOMEN LIKE DATO NANCY YEOH COULD BREW FROM HER WITCHES' CAULDRON.
HELD AT CARLSBERG BREWERY IN SHAH ALAM, THE PARTY SPRAWLED AND SPILLED FROM THE AIRCONDITIONED BAR INSIDE TO THE GARDENS OUTSIDE AND INBETWEEN THE OFFICES ANNEXED TO BECOME CHANGING ROOMS.
It was a celebration and party never seen before at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as magicians, circus performers, ring master, clowns, jugglers and Kee Hua Chee took centrestage as the most powerful spell was cast to guarantee the rain would stay away and invited guests would turn up.
Asahi the top beer from Japan was the host although Mercedes-Benz was presenter. Asahi, launched last year in Malaysia is brewed in Malaysia by Carlsberg in for the first time in history. Carlsberg now brews the top beer from France which is Kronenbourg 1664 and the best beer from Japan which is Asahi and of course the best beer from Denmark which is the best beer in the observable universe which is Carlsberg.
Jo Teh from Stylo told me to arrive at Carlsberg brewery in Shah Alam by 3pm on 21 March 2012 as my make-up would take 2 hours. I suggested wearing a mask which would take 3 seconds or 5 seconds max.
Wearing the black cloak with hood would require all of 6 seconds. So I suggested I should come at 5pm. She grudgingly agreed, mumbling under her breath about me being a devilish diva.
Then I realised the doors would only open to guests at 9.30pm and most would start arriving at 10pm so what was I supposed to do for 5 hours at Carlsberg brewery? I could have had sex with at least 2 partners within 5 hours!
So I insisted on coming by 7pm but due to the jam, I came at 7.30pm.
True enough, I was given my mask and cloak and left to my own devices. The food was almost ready so I ate and ate and drank Asahi beer. All I remember is that the burgers and fries were incredibly good! Even now I hanker for them! I ate one and never bothered to try other dishes! I must say the burgers were exceedingly good.
Models hamming it up
Another of my victims, I mean, satisfied customers
The fortune teller and his client
Due to the heat, my hair went limp and so did another part of my body
Million dollar models
Supermodel Wilson Tan went on to win the inaugural Male Model of the Year 2012 on 23 March during the BritishIndia gala. Judging by his poses, he must have won hands down!
Nicholas Tan is planning to be a model or actor as he should
Nicholas Tan scored a perfect 10 As in his exams whose results were released that same day. As I scored the same results during my time, Nicholas must have the same brain power as me so his mother June Wong must have been thinking of me when she was procreating Nicholas
Dato Nancy Yeoh ordered me to sit inside my tent with a 'Fortune Teller' signboard and not budge. I even had my witch to stir my cauldron.
According to statistics, the most read section in dailies is the Horoscope and true enough, I had a steady stream sitting expectantly in front of me. I asked each to pick 3 cards and give them to me after handling them so I could detect their chi.
Like good doctors and lawyers, I cannot reveal the identities of my clients and what I told them. But I was surprised when so many believed me! Of course I did not tell them their age, marital status, salary or any specific details that would prove I was as fake as Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare.
However, I would say things like "You have a connection with Penang" and almost all admitted this was true! One said "Omigod, I am being transferred to Penang next week!" or "Yes, my ex-girl friend is from Batu Ferringhi" or "I have no connection at all to Penang but I have always wanted to visit it!".
Many asked about marriages. I told everyone he or she would marry at least twice and I told one horny looking chick she would marry 5 times and she seemed so pleased I rather regretted it and should have said just twice. She confessed she wanted alimony and engagement diamonds and jewels! Most seemed nonplussed about being married twice, more so when I assured them the second one would bring great fulfilment. One lady asked me if I knew she was married or not. But she forgot to remove her engagement ring so I said irritably she was married but would soon divorce. She left abruptly so I must have hit her G spot.
As for men, I liked telling them they were closet gays!
Most laughed and found it funny. A few went pale and twitched their eye and lip which proved I was actually right! Several seemed stunned but did not deny. None asked for details like when that would happen but one guy had a girl with him who breathed deeply and snarled "You see? I knew it! I just knew it! I always suspected you and Frank!" Both then left hurriedly to the bar to sort things out.
A few I knew so that was hilarious as none suspected it was me except for Ace's husband who whispered, "Are you Kee Hua Chee?". I shook my head and he left meekly. Of course I was careful not to overdo and give myself away. But they were absolutely shocked at my accuracy and looked sharply at me as if trying to ascertain my identity. I narrowed one eye and widen the other, a trick I mastered as a child as back then I wanted a mysterious, quizzical look. I even did this when being photographed so now I look rather cock-eyed in my pictures.
I think I should change profession and be a fortune teller as there is a sucker born every minute. If I say something totally wrong, chances are I can redeem myself sooner or later. Example; As I was getting naughtier, i told a handsome guy he should not marry as women are bad for him. Based on experience, handsome men who go to gym and look fantastic tend to be gay or can be persuaded. He looked nervous and admitted he does not have a gf! I pounced and said he was doing the right thing as men are better. He then said "I am straight". So I sniffed (easy to do as my mask restricted my breathing occasionally) and intoned, "This is an acquired taste and once you try it, you will like it." He kept quiet so I bet his defences were down.
Trying to strike the jackpot, I took a risk by asking, "I see Kelantan somewhere in your life. Were you born there or your parents? Did you live there previously? Or studied there? Is your lover from Kelantan?"
"No, I have no connection at all to Kelantan. I am from Malacca," he replied, looking puzzled. I know most humans would inadvertently reveal the answer but Malacca was of no use to me. At this time I happened to think of William Kee, the fashion editor of The Star as I had sent an article to him and was wondering if he was going to use it. Feeling morose, I asked, "Is your name William?"
He looked even more confused. "No, my name is Kent."
I pounced triumphantly. "You see what I mean about Kelantan? I meant to say your name is Kent as 'Kent' and 'Kelantan' are so closely linked! I saw in your cards the dominant 'Ke...n..t' but assumed it was 'Kelantan' instead of 'Kent'!"
Kent now looked positively fascinated, like a rabbit caught in the hypnotic gaze of a fox. "Oh, I see."
I continued, "You look so hot and your muscles so sizzling you should be a model or actor."
Kent shook his head. "I am not interested. I work in a cigarette company."
Again I went for his jugular. "You see? I said you are hot and sizzling and cigarettes are hot and sizzling when lit! So again I am correct in my assessment of you!"
This went on for several minutes before I took pity on poor Kent who was looking more and more flustered and said "OK your time's up and remember to give up on women."
I think I should change career....